theuncoolgay

A New Goal

the(un)coolgay — Sun, 20 May 2012 22:14:07 +0000

My twenty seventh year, and what is now my twenty eighth have by far been my most challenging, but most expansive, and favorite years on earth. I love where I am headed and the things I am doing and being involved with. My life is far from perfect, but most everything is. I think the trick is to accept that we are perfectly imperfect. Each day is a struggle and a battle, and some days are easier than others. Some days still are so tough that I wonder if its all worth it and I question how the hell I made it to this planet. But I love being alive. And I love a good challenge. And I love making things better for myself and for others. The toughest part about being better(growing– my own version of growth-as everyone’s is different) is that in order to help anyone else I have to help myself first. So that’s what I am doing. In this quest I have realized that I am addicted to people saying nice things about me and to me, which in turn led me to this: why do I expect nice things to be said to me but I still say bad things about others? Why do I engage in conversations about people that consist of hurtful words and are about their bad qualities? Instead I need to be basking in their good qualities. I need to be showering them with love. I can’t only receive love and not give any back out. The only way I can keep receiving is to give it out. I don’t want to be hypocritical. I don’t want to let anyone take advantage of me so I need to be strong and street wise, which I am learning a lot about. But if I truly want to make the world a better place to live then I have to start at one and be the person that I want others to be. I have to be the example. Thus why I am choosing to no longer engage in conversations with anyone that are simply about putting someone down. I will only talk about someone’s bad qualities if it is with them or about them with the sole intent of helping them grow. This will be a daily battle but one that I am ready to fight.

Changing the way we live

the(un)coolgay — Thu, 03 May 2012 15:57:16 +0000

It all has to start from within. I was speaking with my boyfriend this morning about my job and the next step to take in my company. What came up is the fact that I am perceived as sweet or soft and anything in between. I have, in the past let people stomp their boots on my face, walk milse all over me and i got really down because of it. Because I was always trying to make everyone else happy without worrying about my own happiness. This had also linked up quite frequently with my sexuality. I have been out for a while and the past few years have struggled with being seen as too feminine or too gay, whatever you want to say about it, and each year that passes I feel that I am becoming more of my own man. Everyone everywhere struggles with identification and society is drowning with terms and labels and ideas on how men are supposed to act. What I learned this morning is that from the constant barrage of epithets, and abusive, hurtful words from the boys in high school I am now addicted to people saying nice things about me. In turn I am always trying to “be the best” at anything I do that I take on way too many responsibilities! And I overwhelm myself. And I am too nice. And people think that they can control me or deal with me, speak to me and about me in any way they choose. It’s the same damn thing that happened in high school. I am not someone that deserves to be taken advantage of and I am not someone that is going to allow others to do so any longer!! I am a strong human that values my life here on earth and I am intelligent and well informed. I believe in love at first sight and that doing things “right” is the only way to go. I am strong. Strong willed. Creative and passionate. I am not weak. I am not soft to the point that you can control me or get one over on me. I am content in knowing that I am incomplete.

Ramarley Graham’s Parents

the(un)coolgay — Sat, 31 Mar 2012 15:46:52 +0000

FREELY RANDOM

the(un)coolgay — Thu, 29 Mar 2012 03:01:21 +0000

I just wanna be free-

I’m trying to get there and it’s tough. I’m learning to not focus on the goal. I’m learning to not sweat the small stuff. And I’m learning to not beat myself up. Shaking the ego is so hard. I have to be in control of it and that’s a choice – it just sucks sometimes that the choice is hard to put into action.

-free of all the mind clutter-

I am learning to get what I want but trying hard to remember that I don’t need everything that I want. My biggest “problem” is that I try to live my ideals too closely. I like being alive so I might as well enjoy it. I wish I could understand the idea of preparing for death because maybe then I wouldn’t worry so much. I just like being alive. Is that so bad?

Ngg and F*g

the(un)coolgay — Sun, 04 Mar 2012 03:05:07 +0000

N*gg* and F*g
These days it’s as if one must watch every step he makes in order to not offend those around or paying attention. It’s really a disaster. Is the first amendment not that of free speech? Sure there are times when people take this way overboard and just say the crazies that occupy otherwise empty space in their brain… well those people should be shot. Hah. kidding of course. no one should be shot. I imagine that to be quite painful, nevertheless…there are A-holes that just fire off whatever they want… Ann Cuntler aka Ann Coulter and expect respect because they have a platform. Well guess what, we all have a platform now BIIIIAAAAATCH so back off because you’re not winning.

I recently downloaded Drakes sophmore album “Take Care” and love it. As I was first listening though I found my thoughts coming to this: damn he really says n*gg* a lot and I wish he wouldn’t it’s kind of ruining it for me. That quickly subsided as I realized that I use f*g and it’s many variations. I have personal friends that don’t like that I use it and never use it themselves. I have other friends, even spanish speaking, that use it almost obsessively.

Here is why I untimately came to the conclusion that anyone in the particular minority where there is a word for said minority is just in using the nombre. Es porque by me using the word f*g – and sparingly of course, those I use it around it will take the power of them saying it away…I use it when dealing with youngins that think they are hard and can use f*g whenever they please. Or latinos that think they can use n*gg*. I use it to demean them. You may not understand my logic and I’m not asking you to but for me it works and makes sense. By them seeing how ridiculous it is for me to use the word FAG(finally omg liberation!!!!) openly, they are shocked, and they feel uncomfortable. And it’s an uncomfortableness that one can feel and see and I know that it’s changing the way they think about the words that they choose to speak. This one youngin in particular who frequently spits out n*gg* has cut back big time in his use of that word.

Now calling one another “girl” I am not okay with. I am not a girl. I am a man. I have a penis and so does my boyfriend, life partner, what have you. I do not have a vagina. I have never bled for 7 days straight. I just so happen to be a man that likes men(well, is in love with a man ). Sure sometimes, okay quite frequently, I can be a bit on the feminine side, who knows where that comes from – I’m no scientist, but I’m still a MAN and I don’t need to act out for attention. Sure I have a desire to look good and wear nice clothes and colognes and jewelry but I don’t need to get attention from anyone else. I just need to feel good about myself. That’s it. So I really loathe when gays(or anyone from any minority) acts stereotypically, and one can tell when it’s a show that’s being put on, because it just keeps that stereotype going. I am not perfect and will be the first to speak about my faults because I don’t believe that faults are something that should be put in hiding, ever. So yes, sometimes I act out, but NEVER for the purpose of creating an image of myself as that thing. Because I’m not that. I’m just me. And I love me. So ladies, gentlemen, start your engines, and may the best….

haha

Coming Out

the(un)coolgay — Thu, 01 Mar 2012 17:38:34 +0000

I AM COMING OUT AS AGAINST COMING OUT!

This has actually been on my mind for quite some time. I hate that I live in a world where people have to “come out” as homosexual. I don’t like to throw the hate word around frivolously but it really bugs me. We are raise our children(and this doesn’t go for all parents – check this out - ) to believe that they have to play with boy toys – superheroes and G.I. Joes and girls have to play with pink things. We frame them to be a certain type of person from, sometimes, before they’re even born!! It’s sickening and when I was growing up I was into anything and everything. I wanted to play with my brothers toys sometimes and other times with my sisters toys. When I got older I was definitely all about stealing my sisters clothes. At the same time I knew who I was I couldn’t let anybody know. I wasn’t supposed to be right. I was by definition of society WRONG. My whole being was wrong. How am I a real person if my being who I know I am is wrong? How am I supposed to have any self worth? I totally wanted to die a few times. I was too big of a pussy to ever to anything about those thoughts but I had them. I know that it’s not just gay youth that have them but as I am gay and was a youth I know what it’s like to feel that you’re worth nothing because of your sexuality. Why do you think that so many kids have been taking their lives?? I know that it happens more than we are even aware of but the amount of stories that have been in the news is just disgusting! It hurts my heart every time a new feed shows someone has taken their life because their family rejected them or their peers tormented them and no one was around to help. WE HAVE GOT TO WAKE UP! If you get the sense as a parent that something isn’t wrong with your child…. that they are becoming distant… SNAP TO IT. Talk to them.. OPEN the lines of communication and be there for them DO NOT get upset and angry and push them away. Think about how you’ll feel when they’re gone and you have to pay a shit ton of money to put them six feet under. Do you really want to be doing all of that? It’s a mess. Funerals, burials, it’s horrifying. So maybe next time you have a child allow them to choose the toys that they want. Don’t automatically buy your boys the cars and don’t automatically buy your girls the barbies. It’s not just a bad thing for teens and their troubled minds…. It goes much later in life. Those that are lucky to survive the torment of high school but still aren’t able to come out for whatever reasons… The ones that come out in their 30′s or 40′s… That’s probably just as bad… They are more likely to have awful sexual habits. When people come out later in life they have this surge. A new found freedom that they’ve never felt. They feel invincible. They can do whatever they want. It’s the same that teens and those in their early 20′s feel and are too young to know any better. By the time that someone is in their 30′s and 40′s and just finding this “freedom”…. Oh man. This makes… wow, it’s really scary because one would think that someone at that age should know better, and maybe they do, but because they are at that age they feel that time is running out. So not only do they have these crazy sexual urges but they have a time stamp so they just end up being so unbelievably wreckless and thus keeping STDs spiraling out of control. The other side is that If we are raising our children to think that boys are supposed to be one way and girls another way that people get in their heads that gays can’t be the way they are. Sure some gay men are super effeminate for the attention, it’s the same as jersey boys, it’s all about attention. But some gay men are naturally feminine. It’s easy to spot the difference. Same with gay women. If you have enough wits about you you can tell when there’s dishonesty involved. But it’s because of the early development of boy versus girl that people get sick ideas in their heads that transpire later in life to hate crimes. It goes all around the globe too i’m just writing about my minority group because it’s what I know best but this can translate into white versus black…The people that commit crimes against someone from a minority simply because they are a part of that minority have certain ideas in their brain about how people are supposed to act. Those ideas are WRONG. We really need to just start taking care of our kids and to make sure that they know as long as you are kind to someone that’s all that God cares about. As long as you are cultivating healthy habits and doing things in moderation you’re good to go. No need to worry. As soon as you step into a state where your view of how things should be affects how you treat others…. whoooop… out of bounds! This is how I am TRYING to live my life and how I want to raise my kids when my man and I are ready for them. I am not perfect and never claim to be so it’s a daily battle. But atleast I’m battling and not settling!! Complacency is the devil.

Whitney: Be Who You Are

the(un)coolgay — Sun, 12 Feb 2012 04:37:41 +0000

First and foremost R.I.P. to one of the most amazing vocal talents to grace this world. Whitney Houston’s talent and caliber as a performer is so high that almost no one else has or ever will reach it. She disappeared from the scene far too early and was never able to make a full recovery/comeback. I did not know her personally but I do have a sense that she wasn’t surrounded by good people. For far too long that seems to be the case. I hope for her Bobbi Christina’s sake that Whitney was on the road to health. This loss is so sudden, as most are, and one can only hope that she was happy. The reason that I am so intrigued by this story is that, although I have never had a drug problem, I am on a transformational journey. I think that we all are, always. The universe is constantly changing and we are part of it so how could it be possible for us to not change? I don’t like to sit still and find myself getting into trouble when I sit still. That’s always been my downfall. The trouble I speak of isn’t drugs or alcohol or crime it’s complacency, laziness, dread, depression. When I sit still and am not doing the things I am supposed to be doing and am not being creative I am a mess. Next month I will be 28. Whitney died today at 48. If I am going to die at 48 I need to know then that these next 20 years I did all I could to be a creative soul that inspires others. However it comes about it’s what I need to do. I can’t do the things that I need to do if I’m sitting on my ass playing temple run on my damned iPhone. I can’t write papers or reports if I’m facebooking. I need to get words out and write that’s why I’m on here… I don’t consider this to be a waste of time because it is my therapy. But the others… complete and total waste. You’re probably wondering what I’ve been doing as I seem to always be writing about this…If you read back a few posts ago I wrote down all my journal entries from this one book I found from highschool. They were all so pathetic. Haha. Well, that’s what I think of who I was. Pathetically lost. I had no real guidance as far as love and relationships are concerned. I have always been an open book and not afraid to speak up when somethings wrong. I like to take care of others but have never really taken care of myself. Each year though, and well more recently, each month and week and day, I take care of myself more and more. I love my life and love being alive and want to live the most fulfilled life possible. I can’t do that if I am not taking care of myself and my loved ones. I work hard. I am saving money. Buying things that I want to buy. My credit is finally awesome and keeps getting more and more awesome each month. Bills have shrunk drastically. My relationship is amazing. I’m closer with my parents and family more than ever before. I am back in school and although it’s taking some getting used to as I haven’t been a student in 6 years I am loving it. I am seeing my dreams coming true in real time. Why? Because I am just being me. No falsehoods. No impositions. I don’t need the approval of anybody else. If someone close to me tells me something that they don’t like about what I do it’s because they know that it’s not what I’m supposed to be doing. They know it’s not really me. And that’s good. It doesn’t happen often but when it does it’s a mini wake up call. And we all need that. We need people around us doing that. We all need people surrounding us that keep us in check and love us without exception. That love us unconditionally. That tell us when we are doing wrong and not being ourselves. It is imperative, for this to happen, that you love yourself. You will know when you’re not being yourself. If you are looking in the mirror at the outfit you put on and wondering what others will think… that’s not you. That’s your ego. That’s not really you and that’s what you need to get away from. You need to love you. If you love you fuck what anybody else thinks, right? So those posts from my old journal revealed a lot about who I was and who I still am. Sometimes I feel lost, and that’s okay. Just because I feel one thing there isn’t anyone saying that that is true but me. And if I don’t want it to be true then it isn’t. I know I’m NOT lost so when that bad feeling comes around I just kick it out. It really is that simple. I choose what I want. There are times of course when thing actually affect us one way or another and we must let them take us on that course… I’m not saying that if my mom died that i’d be sad for a second and then get over it… what I’m saying is that I trust myself and know myself and believe in myself and because of that I know when I’m lying to myself. Love and trust, and you’ll know.

I don’t like using “professional” (predictable) Titles

the(un)coolgay — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 05:14:28 +0000

All successful blogs have a theme. Great. That I get. I dig it. I have yet to come across one though that’s random. As in, not perfect. As in doesn’t use proper writing standards. I don’t like standards. For anything. Especially writing. Because I write how I feel and my LIFE IS UNORGANIZED. haha not badly, not so much so that I can’t get anything done. Just mildly. It’s more like a stream of consciousness type of life. What comes in comes in and what goes out goes out. I like to play by my own rules. Sometimes I like being extroverted and other times I don’t. Get a nice glass of wine in me though and I won’t stop talking and everything that comes out of my mouth will make sense. Haa. Like right now. Bought a nice bottle that my restaurant sells for $75 and I’m feelin pretty good. I just want to write how I want to write and don’t feel the desire or need to do anything special to it. I can’t force it to be perfect because that’s not me. If it never takes off that’s okay. I’m still happy and I love my life. That’s what I want for everyone and anyone reading. Just for them to love their lives a little bit. I want anyone reading to be happy. I want anyone reading to feel that they are okay and not alone. That’s why I do what I do and act how I act. Not because I want anyone to pay attention to me, but because I know I can create attention for a better outcome. I know I can create positive things by who I choose to be. And who I choose to be is someone that uplifts. Someone that always tries to better my lot in life. Someone that always pushes boundaries. That’s why I can’t live in a small town anymore. I love where I grew up because it’s beautiful but I was always the outsider. I was always the kid that was called effeminate. Faggot. Weirdo. Always friends with the girls. I was the kid that would do good things and the adults would always take notice but then for whatever reason not notice when the other kids got on my case. And amidst all of that I was okay because I knew that I was better than it all. I knew I was strong. Deep down inside even when I would cry myself to sleep I knew there was some greater force holding on to me and keeping my head above the water. So all of that combined has really made me believer that my power here on earth is greater than even I want to believe sometimes. I must always rise above. That’s why god is always Giving me challenges. I am ALWAYS being tested. And I love it. Because some others can’t handle the tests so I have to find a way out to be able to help others through their pain and suffering. I have to be able to give them their road to a better situation. I have to be the shoulder. As much as I don’t want to sometimes I just have to do this my way. And I’m okay with that.

Thursday Feb 6, 2003 (8:30 am)

the(un)coolgay — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 05:05:00 +0000

1) I love being on the morning show. It lets me escape and pretend and be happy when I’m really not – like today. Today sucks. I have to talk to Mrs. Oldham. Peter last night. he wanted to fix things but then didn’t even talk to me. This is such bullshit. I shouldn’t talk to him anymore. It’s just such stress. But the morning show helps me. UGH! I don’t even feel like writing.

Wednesday Feb 5th, 2003

the(un)coolgay — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 05:03:06 +0000

1) Jared was supposed to come over tonight – but he had some “venture crew” meeting. He’s the vice president. I really wish he didn’t do that. I mean I’m glad he does things he likes but it’s frustrating. I was going to ask him to be my boyfriend tonight. That’s why it’s so frustrating.

2) Choir – All Shore. GRRR! Auditions are supposed to be this Saturday but the Shakespeare workshop is also this Saturday. I think right now it’s more important for me to go to the Shakespeare workshop. I mean I’m performing Shakespeare in a few months for the first time. I need to learn all I can about it. However, that means that I have to talk to Mrs. Oldham about it. I can’t do that. She’s going to be so mad and yell at me. I can’t haev that. I don’t need the stress from her. I have so much stress from everything else that her bitching at me would probably make me go off the deep end. I’m just going to try to civilly talk with her and explain that I feel it’s more important right now for me to go to the Shakespeare workshop.

3) Jared. I want him so badly. He’s so hot. He makes me feel so good. He treats me so well. He cares about me and he’s totally honest about everything. He’s so genuine. God! I can’t wait to see him again. I really wish that I could have seen him tonight. I was going to kiss him. But I guess that’s a good thing that I didn’t see him and didn’t kiss him because when I do it will make it that much better because we’ve waited(had to wait) for so long. I can’t wait to feel his lips press against mine.

I’M GGGAAAAAAYYY!!!! :):)