this ones for the misfits, the freaks, the enemies.

February 8, 2007 – Thursday  
R.I.P.

(CNN) — Reality TV star and former model Anna Nicole Smith was pronounced dead Thursday after being taken to a Florida hospital after being found unconscious in her hotel room, a law enforcement source with knowledge of the case told CNN.

Smith, 39, collapsed at a south Florida hotel and was taken to a local hospital, according to news reports.

TMZ.com had reported that Smith collapsed at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Hollywood, Florida, and was rushed to Memorial Regional Hospital in Hollywood just after 2 p.m. ET.

According to reports, Smith was found unresponsive in her hotel room.

Smith was involved in a paternity suit regarding the parentage of her daughter, Danielynn, as well as other disputes, including some regarding a house she stayed at in the Bahamas around the time she gave birth.

Earlier this week, Smith was included in a class-action lawsuit against a company, TrimSpa, for which she had worked as a spokesperson. TrimSpa makes a product it claims leads to substantial weight loss. The lawsuit alleges the marketing of the product, TrimSpa X32, was false or misleading.

Smith’s son, Daniel Wayne Smith, died at age 20 just days after the birth of Smith’s daughter. Pathologist Cyril Wecht said a lethal dose of methadone and antidepressants caused cardiac dysrhythmia, leading to his death.

February 2, 2007 – Friday  
so there’s this guy…. 

and i hope he reads this. 
4 years ago I was still struggling with being gay and being a jehovhas witnesses.
I mean, I was abs. positive that I knew I wanted nothing to do with the religion but growing up in such a controlling church there were so many things going on in my head that I couldn’t figure out. I finally realized though that I needed nothing to do with it! What brought me to this conclusion though, was absolutely terrifying, at the time. 

I met this guy. And he was awesome. He understood where I was coming from and I understood him. He was one of Jehovahs Witnesses too. My life was awesome. Until it just came to a crashing halt. I still don’t know the truth of what happened but apparently he found out something about his cousin and she got pissed and went to the elders and told them that he and I had been hanging out. To save his own ass he made up all these lies about me and I NEVER ONCE got to speak my peace and myside of the story! The elders of the congregation that we belonged to had a talk about me in front of the entire congregation, WITHOUT my parents knowledge or mine!! They labeled me as a sexual predator. I found out about this because my parents had to sit there and listen to the whole thing without even knowing that it was going to happen.  

To top all that off I was at the mall in Salisbury with my friend Ashley this one night. We were waiting in line at Dairy Queen where he used to manage. I saw him in the back on the phone looking pissed and thought nothing of it. As soon as I got up to the cashier to order this security guard comes up and pulls me out of line saying that I couldn’t ever step foot on DQ property again or I would be held there until the Salisbury police came to arrest me. FIRST OF FUCKING ALL I NEVER DID A DAMN THING TO WARRANT SUCH HARRASSMENT FROM SOME DUMB HICK RENT A COP!!!!! and secondly all I wanted was some damn ice cream. I now boycot Dairy Queen. SO Ash and I left that shithole and as I was thumbing through clothes in American Eagle some big guy comes up behind me yelling and screaming and throws me up against the wall with his hand around my neck saying that if I ever fucked with his cousin again that he’d come after me and it wouldn’t be pretty! 

Well, 4 years later while working at Jockey I see this guy come into the store and almost freaked out but realized that I have nothing to be afraid of and so i just continued doing whatever i had been doing. I knew I needed to say something to him though before he left and all I could mutter was “see ya _ _ _ _”. He said something back but I don’t really remember what it was. The rest of the night I sat there telling my coworkers everything i’ve just typed. and they convinced me that I needed to find him and get it all out.  

I eventually ended up talking to him on the phone and after sitting in my own silence and trying to listen to him tell me what had happened(which he hasn’t been 100% forthcoming) I finally started talking, and slowly but surely I started rambling and saying everything I had wanted to say for the last 4 years. I couldn’t believe it but by the end of the night I was completely over everything that had happened.  

Now it has been about 2 weeks since I first talked to him again and he keeps trying to say that he’s just so busy and doesn’t remember at the end of the day that i txt or called and forgets to call me back. I say…FUCK THAT! If you REALLY wanted to talk to me and see me as much as you say you do…THEN YOU SHOULD MAKE SOME FUCKING EFFORT! If you say you’re going to get off at 7 but you end up getting off a lot later…how much effort does it take to send me a txt that says “hey shit sorry i’m not getting off til way later” IS THAT SO HARD?! Yeah I know I’m a needy bitch sometimes, okay all the time, but ATLEAST I MAKE THE EFFORT! I dunno, Maybe I’m just too much for you to handle. Maybe you’re not a real human being? Are you from another planet?! I mean, even after everything that happened I was/still am willing to help you get over being a JW. YOU KNOW that you’re not confused, you’re just scared so don’t give me that bullshit and don’t fucking lie to me! You know that I’m not the kind of person that can just walk away. I can’t do that. Maybe it would be healthier for me, but I can’t allow myself to just up and leave. I’ve been through too much shit with friends coming out and with my own family that I can’t allow anyone to suffer.  

Just fucking be a damn man, man! And own up to everything that you owe me!

ugh. 

done.

January 23, 2007 – Tuesday  
I may be gay, but… 

I DO NOT regard myself as a female in any way, any shape or form! 

January 19, 2007 – Friday  
Ugly Betty goes Transgender 

If you haven’t tuned in to Ugly Betty since it first premiered 12 episodes ago, NOW is the time to start!!! This show just keeps getting better and better!! There’s a whole big plotline behind the current situation and they finally revealed last night the mystery “woman”. Played by Rebecca Romijn, the younger brother of Daniel was suppose to be dead from a skiing accident. Turns out that he was having gender reassignment surgery! HAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! A TRANNY ON ABC!!!! WHOOOOT! HELLA KUDOS TO REBECCA!!!!! LOOOOOVVEEEEEEEEE THIS SHOW!!!!

There are so many things I could type about right now.  

-My Acting class is more than that it’s a life class. 

-My parents are the coolest, kindest, beautifullest people I know.

-My friends are cool.  And it sucks having lost some of them and to not have them in your life any more but shit happens and ya just have to move on. 

-Books that I’ve been reading that are sparking so much change in my experience, and in how I am reacting to the world.  

There are just so many things going on right now in my human experience that I can’t find the motivation to write about any particular one of them in detail.  All i know is that what you put out into the world, usually you will get back.  Somehow your subconcious along with the energy in the world combine and “magically”, bam, there it is.  Clearance.  Acceptance.  Forgiveness.  Beautiful things happen when you let go of “the way things have to be”, or “should have been”, or the way  you “want things to be” in the future.  Just Let Go.  And most importantly FORGIVE YOURSELF.  I know in my heart of hearts that some how, some way, we are all in this together.  I do not know if anyone will ever figure out how or why but We are all  here.  So there must be some connection.  Our Earth is so small in comparison to the rest of the Universe so I know there must be others out there too.  But despite us being so small,  the things we do to eachother are so big.  The way we talk about others,  or look at others,  Just the way we TREAT our fellow human beings is just….ugh.  There are so many words I could use to describe what we do to one another but the most important and most significant word has to be: WRONG.  Just wrong.  It is wrong to look at a beautiful woman who gets on the train and is dressed in “gothic” style clothing with huge black boots with spikes all over them, as a freak.  She is beautiful.  It is wrong just the same for me to look at the man who was clearly judging her, with disgust.  I was judging him.  Wrong.  It is wrong to think that the homeless man who smells like vomit and urine and a host of other smells that don’t pleasure the senses as vile.  He can’t help it.  He’s no more worse or better of a human than you are.  Maybe the dude just needs some help.  He has a smile on his face.  So why can’t you??  There are so many WRONG ways that we treat on another.  And it has to stop.  It is wrong for me to say that the religion I grew up in is a Cult.  It is wrong for Islamic extremists to wish harm upon Americans because of the way we live.  It is wrong for George W. Bush to think he did no wrong by “tricking” the American people into a war that had nothing to do with 9/11 and everything to do with oil.  It is wrong for the American people to have allowed themselves  to be tricked.  All in all,  we need to start realizing that we are all here.  together.  or maybe not together.  but we are still all here.  And the most important thing to do is to love one another.  Even if you know you’ll never be loved back.  Or even if you don’t ever want to have that person be a special part of your life.  When I say we must love one another, I don’t mean in a literal sense, but more figuratively.  We must treat eachother with a basic respect and love that transcends skin color, religious affiliation, gender identity, etc.  One persons human experience will never be the same as any other persons.  For this reason, and this reason alone, we must find it in our heart of hearts to first LEARN empathy,  and then exercise it!! Yes,  I do believe that certain humans are born into the world with the ABILITY to love and to empathize, but I also believe that both can be learned.  Because we all have those qualities.  It’s just a matter of timing.  Timing as to when you allow yourself to be open and available to others.  Right now my timing is telling me I need to try to clean a little before getting ready for work.  I need to listen to my timing.  

Love you.